Here's a little dose of passion

If there is one thing everyone knows about me, it's that I love theatre. The problem is, is right now I'm not involved in any type at all. I've spent the last 8 years doing some type, and I spent over $100,000 pursuing it in college. I moved to New York; I had a plan. And then everything got fucking turned upside down. I was not only forced to leave cthe city that I had fallen in love with, with no possibility of returning in the near-future, but I wasn't even sure if I'd be able to ever pursue an acting career. I didn't know at the time if I'd ever be able to see again, obviously, I have regained most of my eyesight, but I still struggle with it everyday. I've been depressed lately, and feeling sorry for myself. I hate SO MUCH what my life has become, but I'm trying SO HARD to fix that. Back in March, I got a job because I thought that would be a good first step to getting back on my feet, and it has. It has given me more confidence, and has made me less anxious to walk around in public and being around other people (I spent most of six months after the incident sitting at home as most of my friends didn't live in the area anymore nor could I drive myself places). Then I moved out of my parents house and in with some friends. Though I have my independence, this has mostly brought me frustration as I'm always struggling with money and I am unable to save any money up to get back out of this town. So I think my next step is actually to move back in with the padres in order to expedite my departure. And I've even done theatre since the accident, but I'm still unsure as to whether I'll actually be able to pursue my dream. Maybe it's just fear, or maybe it's illogical, but I could easily walk off the edge of the stage or trip backstage in the dark making me a liability. I can't have someone guiding me all of the time. So, I'm trying to figure out ways to make something good out of a bad situation, and why not do that with something I've wanted to do for several years now. That is, put up a production on our own. Just me and some of my super talented friends. The problem is, is that I guess I don't have the ability to inspire others. I love doing theatre and creating theatre and performing music more. than. anything. And I get really, really passionate about it. And I get emotional about it. When I cry, I don't cry because you might not agree with something or because I'm frustrated with you about something, it's because I love what I'm doing so much and all of these emotions come up and I get this crazy buzzing feeling in me and I'm shaking because I am so freaking passionate about what I'm talking about. It doesn't mean that I'm crazy or that I can't control my emotions, it means that I have very intense emotions and I'm showing them. For godsakes, I'm a fucking actor. I don't need nor do I want to suppress these emotions, I simply want to share my excitement with the world. I want everyone around me to be just as passionate, but I know that's not going to happen. I know that if I put together the right group of people, everything would go off without a hitch. I need to find those supportive passionate people, and it makes me frustrated that I can't find them. I need people who want to share their ideas and brainstorm and come up with really awesome things, because I don't always know the right way to go about things. I love collaborating. At least, I love collaborating with people who also love collaborating. Just because you don't get something you want doesn't mean you decide you're out. You're either in this or you're not. You can't make stipulations because you don't like something. We're supposed to be a team. A team that gives and takes and even if they don't agree, they support the decision because they made the commitment. Guys, listen, I'm the queen of bossy, but I know that I'm not always right and I know when to let others lead. I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses, that's why I wanted to create a collaborative project. Others have ways of looking at things differently than me, and I love that. I love listening to ideas and discussing them. I may not agree with you, and I will share that opinion, but I'm not the only one making the decision. If a majority wanted something that I didn't care for, I'd go with it and try to find away to get on board. I'd find something to connect myself with it, I would never be like "peace out. I don't like it so I'm not gonna do it." I'm not saying bend over and do what everyone else tells you to do, but you can't just give up on things because you didn't get your way. The key word is collaboration. Anyway, it seems that the only way I'm going to be able to get anything done is to 1) get the hell out of this town. Other people may be ok with being here doing whatever, but I'm so over it. I need to be around people who inspire me, not drag me down into a depression leaving me wishing I hadn't made it out of that hospital. Obviously, I don't believe that. I know I'm destined for something but this town and the people in it are REALLY GOOD at making you feel like you're a boring nobody and you're meant to stay a boring nobody. And that is why I hate being here. It's not because it's boring. It's not because I'm throwing a fit because I can't do what I planned. I know that's fucking life. But this town is so good at dragging a person's spirit down so that they never want to go out and try for anything that may be new or risky. You know what I say to that? You know what I say? FUCK YOU. I'm going to go out and make a god damn name for myself. I'm going to go do something with my life and do WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT. You may think it's crazy or unrealistic or whatever, but I'm worth it.

Need a little help from my friends

I'm at this point in my life where I have no idea what I want anymore. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I'm so confused. And frustrated. And stressed out. I want to slam my head into a wall. Maybe it'll help me figure it out. I need guidance. Unbiased guidance. 

I know that I need out of this town. I know either back to New York or to Seattle. But. I'm scared. I haven't told anyone that. But I am. What if something happens again?  What if I can't get around as well as I think? I can't see well in the dark, am I going to suffer from constant anxiety? I can't stay here. It depresses me. Yeah I have my family and friends but I'm sorry, I need more for myself. I need to feed my creativity and no matter how hard I try I can't motivate them to work on something here. I need to be around like-minded people to feed my soul. I feel like my soul is being crushed here. I can't stand it much longer. 

I love my job at Maurices, but I'm afraid if I focus on being promoted that I'm just going to keep staying here. I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. But l need money. Even though I only work like 15 hours a week so I need another job anyway and it seems I'm not good enough for anywhere else around here. Fucking bachelors degree. Most people in this town don't have a college degree but that doesn't matter because I don't have the right skills. 

And right now I don't even feel like I'm good enough for a theatre career. I hear people tell me I'm great I'm what I do and I tell people I'm not. I've worked on ignoring the nay-Sayers but I kind of feel like they're right. I know tons and tons of amazing, talented people and I'm not as good as them. I know I'd probably be great at running a theatre but maybe that's the extent. I mean, realistically. Plus the blindness IS a problem. I can't have someone guiding me backstage in the dark all the time. 

That's probably what depresses me the most. The fact that I've worked so hard trying to go to school for theatre, and learning from the best and maybe it was a waste because maybe I can't even do that anymore. That makes those ridiculous student loans look even scarier. 

I honestly. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. I mean, I'm incredibly jealous of anyone who gets to be on a stage, and I know I want to do that, but maybe I have to face the fact that I can't. I don't know. I really don't know. I don't know what my next step is for anything and that frustrates the hell out of me. I know I'm the one holding myself back but I have so many decisions to make that I can't even force myself to make one. I need serious help. 

One Year....

It's been a year today (the 21st) since I was admitted to the hospital. I can still remember this day, as it was a long and trying one. I mostly think of my friends and how they were there for me. Today was the day Evan shuttled me from place to place and they tried figuring out what the hell was wrong with me; pushing me in a wheel chair, putting me in cabs to go a block to different parts of the hospital because of how weak I was. Today was the day David told the hospital staff that no, I wasn't going to get up off the floor because I was too sick to even sit up. Today was the day Jamila fed me mashed potatoes and jello for dinner because I hadn't eaten all day. Today was the day Jules read me our favorite 'scary" story to try to take my mind off of the pain. I just can't believe that it has been a year, but then again, it has felt like an eternity. I've been having flashbacks-I've had them a lot since then, but much more frequently as of late. Sometimes I just cry, sometimes I go into full blown panic attacks. I mean, it was a traumatic event for me that completely changed my life. I told Sasha today that I didn't like my life before, but I think I hate it even more now. I was working on getting to where I was going and now I feel like I'm back at square one. Maybe even farther because now I have to work around a disability. I do, however, think I like who I've become because of it. I believe I'm a more spiritual person, perhaps even more loving and accepting. But then I find myself falling back into some old habits, and it makes me so angry. I know, I know, you're thinking "Well, then, Bree, freaking change it!" I'M TRYING. I know it takes time, and I understand that. But I am not a very patient person. I want results, and I want them instantaneously. I have a lot of thoughts and emotions on this whole ordeal. I never know what to call it. I usually use a vague term when talking about it: "Something something something before it all happened." "Something something, but then, you know, all that went down." What do I mean? Before I went blind? Before I almost died? I don't know. It's just "the event." It may not seem like that type of thing to others, but to me, it was huge. It's has physically and emotionally impacted who I am one year later, so how can I not think about it like that? How can I not think about it all the time, because I do. I'm reminded all day at work when I'm trying to make sure I don't trip over anything while weaving through the store, when I can't be more helpful in doing certain things because I can't be on a ladder, or when I'm looking at a customer in the face and they think I'm not really paying attention when they're trying to hand me something. That may seem like a little thing, but I don't want customers to think that I'm not paying attention to them, or that I'm not observant, but I also don't feel like divulging my story to everyone in explanation. I have brought it up to a few customers, if it fit into our conversation, but most customers have no clue. I'm reminded outside of work too: for example, I have to be dependent on others because I can't really drive. This is frustrating on many levels. I'm quite an independent person, and needing people to chauffeur me around is annoying. I just want to go wherever whenever I please. Not to mention, I really love to drive. :( I can't walk down stairs, without looking like a dummy...and I realize that just over a year ago I couldn't even walk, let alone get myself up or down stairs, but still. It's not all bad though, I get to be with my family and friends here. I get to see Emma, and hang out with her and that's incredibly important to me as these are her formidable years. I want to be someone she loves and trusts, and I couldn't do that if I were away. I get to be here when Thessa has Mollie here in the next week, which is something I missed out on with Em.D. So what I feel like I'm missing out on in my life, I am gaining in my relationships, and that makes me happy. But I'm also ready to get my life back on track. So the next year is going to be focusing on taking those next steps. I want to, before I finish this post, say thank you to all of you who have been there for me through all of this. It's been a crazy, difficult year, but I couldn't have made it through without all of you. So thank you. <3

Losing grip

I'm angry. And frustrated. And hurt.
I try so hard to remain positive but there is that part of me.
I worked so hard to get where I was. I moved to New York, I was going to start a theatre company, I had an amazing community of artists surrounding me and supporting me and inspiring me. And it was all taken away. I feel as if I'm back at square one.
One year ago I was about to open the most amazing show I've ever done. Fefu and Her Friends. I was surrounded by the 7 most amazing, talented women I have ever had the pleasure of working with. We had worked so hard and put so much into creating this show that we were all so incredibly proud of. We were equals and constant inspirations to each other. I wasn't ashamed of putting the work out there, I knew we were all more than capable. Fefu made me believe my life was about to take off. And then SCREECH. Everything got turned upside down.
I'm so heart broken and teary eyed right now knowing I can't be there with those girls right now, working on some other awesome art piece. That's what I want most in the world right now is to be creating and putting up amazing theatre. New York and Lang turned me into an artist. I'm not just some actor, and I don't just "do shows." I create art. I am an artist. I want to create things and right now I feel lost. I feel I have no true creative outlet and I'm so frustrated. I pose ideas here and people look at me like I'm crazy. Like its so far-fetched. Yet if I posed it to any of my New York friends, they would be so excited to get working on it. That's the difference. People here don't want to do the work. They want it handed to them. They just "do shows." there's no passion. It's just something fun to do. Theatre is my fucking passion, and I feel as if my passion is being so disrespected right now. I will not apologize for having high standards. If people believe I'm being stuck up, that New York has turned me into a snob, I'm completely fine with that. I worked hard to get where I am and I put myself out there to experience things in order to grow, and grown I have.
I think thats why I've been so crazy lately, and itching to get back to the city, because I have had no true creative outlet. I know I need to create my own while I'm here, but it's difficult when I have a lack of inspiration, and a lack of enthusiasm from the people surrounding me. I love being around people who want to create theatre and music and art all the time because they love it and they. Ant imagine NOT doing it. I need to tap back into that. Turn my frustration into a motivator. I can't dwell on what I've lost, though sometimes it can be an overwhelming feeling of failure. I need to just get through this. Then I can get back to the beautiful friggin city, and then life I'm meant to have. :)

Stir-crazy

So I've been struggling lately with ideas of where my life is going. I know that I can't stay in Montana my whole life. That's not me. I can't stay here and Kalispell working for the rest of my life. What would I do? Who would I do it with? What about my creative endeavors? All that's here for me in Kalispell is my family and friends but I can't base my life off of them. I need to leave again. To where? I'm not sure. Of course I want to be back in the city, but I don't know if it's time to head back there yet. Perhaps Seattle or even LA. I don't know, but I'm feeling a bit stir-crazy lately. I can't live a boring life of getting up and going to the same normal job everyday. Do that for another 50+ years? SHUT UP. I have so much I need to do. So much I need to accomplish. And if making money is all that matters-and getting that money doing something I'm not really passionate about-then I'd rather but poor as hell doing something that challenges and excites me. Maybe I want a family-some day-but right now I'm not ready to settle down. I want to focus on me and my career. I want to focus completely on theatre and music and whatever else I want to do. I'm going to go to beauty school but after that I think I need to get out again. Go explore, see the world again. I'm scared to go off alone, but look how well it turned out last time. I have grown so much, and done so much that now my life is feeling stagnant again. I'm itching to change that.

Lotus

So I'm sitting here listening to Christina Aguilera's album, Lotus, and I'm just realizing how much this album feels like my life right now. A lotus is a sign of rebirth, and I'm very connected to the flower right now. As I've have mentioned, over the past year, I have been working to make myself a better, more peaceful person, and I think that I have succeeded. I think my close friends and family have really noticed. There's a calmness within myself. Yes, I struggle at times, but I am usually able to keep angry or hateful feelings subdued. But despite this, I do still hold my sassiness, which is something I've always liked about myself and I think this album contains all of this. One song I just listened to is Empty Words. This is the first time I listened to it all the way through and I couldn't believe how much the words resonated with me. I gasped when she sings the words "The hardest part of this
cannot be heard or seen.
This journey starts when I begin loving me." I could have written those words. We all know that this was the biggest accomplishment I've made through all this. And, I won't lie, sometimes I
relapse. I mean, I don't feel the loathing I had before, but sometimes I beat myself up for needing to lose weight, for being in a seemingly stalled part of my life.
That's been my biggest struggle at the moment. I constantly ask myself "What the fuck are you doing with your life?" I'm told repeatedly that it's only been 6 months, and that I can't be stressed out right now, that I'm still weak-when will I be ready? They suggest a pt job, but I'm going to be completely honest; I don't really want a regular job right now. (I mean...I don't EVER want a regular job, as I'd prefer just to be an artist, but I'm also a realist. And I don't want to be homeless) Anyway. A job would interfere with the things I really want to accomplish, such as creating my own theatre group here in the Valley, working on my cupcakes, writing, creating things in general. You're probably wondering why I didn't spend the last few months doing all that. Well. I don't have a good answer except that I talk a lot but I'm not very good at getting things done.
So how is now different? Maybe it's not. But I'm trying really hard to stay focused. A friend told me a couple weeks ago that he was sad that I sat at home only taking pictures of my dog. Now, I'm not going to stop taking pictures of Calypso, because, I'm mean, come on, you like it better than looking at everyone's pictures of their babies. Dogs>babies anyway (though I'm kinda insta-obsessed with Em.D too). But the point is that he's right. I'm wasting my life. I may be stuck in my house but that doesn't mean I can't create. He told me that he found part of a story I wrote and that it was really good. Now, my writing is like my singing, like my acting. Any artist is sensitive about their work, but I've spent years questioning my talent in all aspects. To hear him say this sparked something in me, so once I got back from New York I started writing, I took up voice lessons again, and today I had my first audition in over a year. I acted, I sang, I danced. Yes. Danced. To Thrift Shop, which is kinda fricken awesome. I started baking cupcakes with Angie, and we started working on ideas for this musical theatre group. I think the next thing I'll do is actually finish writing a song. Or at least Pick up writing lyrics again. I'm going to start working on my fitness, because then I can't turn to that as an excuse or as a way to bully myself. I think I just needed someone to tell me exactly what I knew about myself because I am the queen of making excuses to myself.
I'm going to try to keep the excuses away and just do all these things I've always wanted to do without me holding myself back.

Hey, I'm Bree

I've said it before, but I have come to a fuller understanding of myself. See. I spent my whole life hating on myself for being overweight. Fat. Obese. etc. Anyway, let me tell you something. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck if nobody likes it. I seriously don't care what you have to say on the matter. I'm hot. Not "I THINK I'm hot." I just am. I may not be what everything thinks is "beautiful," but I ain't some gross fuck that people can just talk shit about. Now, let me be clear, I haven't had anyone say anything about my weight to me in a long time, but I heard it a ton when I was younger. I was bullied, called names, ignored even because of my size until about the time high school started, but it was enough to cause me to hate myself. So thanks to all y'all who played a part in that. I'm not bitter though, and I don't hate any of them. I mean, it caused a lot of hurt in me. I remember feeling suicidal in 7th grade. What's that-12 years old? A 12-year-old wanting to kill herself because of other kids. It's sick. Yet it happens all the time. It breaks my heart for them, especially the ones who didn't have the the support like my family gave me. I remember I started high school wanting to be invisible. I wore baggy, awful, boring clothing so I could hide. I was ashamed of who I was. Who could ever love me? I was very shy, and rarely spoke to people I didn't know. I just figured that they were judging me. I didn't want to go through the pain of anyone else telling me how awful I was. So I never let anyone get the chance. But it was in my head. Constantly. Everything I did wasn't good enough for me because I didn't deserve it to be. I was a bad person in my eyes because I was fat. As high school went along, I started to open up more. Getting involved with theatre really helped that. Being able to be someone else was freedom from myself. Yet, I was still never good enough. And it all revolved around my weight. Well, if I wasn't heavy, I could dance better. Well, if I wasn't heavy, I could sing better. But it wasn't that I wasn't good at these things, it was that I was afraid to do them. I was afraid of the judgement. So I tried to refrain from doing them because I couldn't face anyone else. Or when I did try, I'd psych myself out after the constant nagging saying I couldn't do it. So yeah, I couldn't do it. My voice and creativity was stifled inside of me. It was there, but scared. It wasn't until college when I started to feel free. Freshman year doesn't count. The summer of '09, I was in my first musical and during one performance, there was a number where I just opened up. I had all my sass and growl and fire within me come pouring out. But it wasn't all ponies and rainbows after that. I still struggled. I would be my worst enemy, but I was learning what it took to defeat me. I started being more outgoing, being more involved, etc. And it was great. The first year in New York was hard. I was in this massive, crazy-talented city surrounded completely by strangers. I didn't know how to put my voice out there.But I started to love who I was, nonetheless. See, I had learned to put a mean mug on. I tried to act like I was the bitch that doesn't take no shit. And, while I don't take shit from anyone, me being a bitch is kind of a joke. Now, don't get me wrong, I can be bitchy at times, but, by no means, am I inherently bitchy. Jamila told me countless times that year "Bree. You say you're a bitch, but you're one of the nicest people out there." Ok. Yeah. I'm nice. I would go above and beyond for any of my friends to ensure that they're happy. I realized I couldn't live my life being afraid of what people thought of me or afraid of myself. So I calmed the fuck down. I went searching for the peace in my life. And it wasn't easy. But I learned to love myself. My body wasn't the definition of Bree. And I mean, come on, I definitely know how to dress it to make it look good. But I don't use clothes to hide it anymore. I use clothes to...accessorize it. I don't mind showing it off...I mean...I'm not a stripper or anything, but I want people to see me. To look at me, and go "hey, that girl is cute." or "hey girl, you looking gorgeous." Because I am. Sorry. I'm not sorry that I'm not a size 6 or even a size 16. Whateva. I'm awesome no matter what size I am, what I have been or what I will be. I'm Bree and I'm crazy awesome. I mean, not just any body could have gone through all the shit I've been through. So I love it. For as poorly I've treated it by thinking it was the worst thing in the world, it really pulled through to keep me alive. I don't need to be thin to be beautiful. I just am. I like who I am, both physically and personality-wise. I've learned a lot the past few years, and, though I can always continue to improve myself, I have found a perfect balance. I'm nice, yet sassy, maybe a little bit bitchy, um...funny, definitely, really funny, smart-that's a good one. Calm...definitely much calmer than I used to be, which makes me less stressed out and less of a worrier. Ambitious...I've always been ambitious, but now I'm not afraid to go after what I want. And most importantly, I think I'm genuine. I'm not trying to be someone I'm not. Really, I've never tried being like anyone else, but I was ashamed of who I was. Now, I am who I am, and I love that. It's not being narcissistic or stuck up, it's just loving who I've become. I'm proud of who I've become. I've been through a lot of shit. A lot of stupid shit, but it made me so strong. Who wouldn't be proud of that? It's a really cool feeling, being proud of yourself. I don't think we let ourselves do that often enough. It's like it's taboo or something. But it shouldn't be. I'm awesome. I don't have to fake confidence anymore, I just am. And that's so fucking cool.