I know that I need out of this town. I know either back to New York or to Seattle. But. I'm scared. I haven't told anyone that. But I am. What if something happens again? What if I can't get around as well as I think? I can't see well in the dark, am I going to suffer from constant anxiety? I can't stay here. It depresses me. Yeah I have my family and friends but I'm sorry, I need more for myself. I need to feed my creativity and no matter how hard I try I can't motivate them to work on something here. I need to be around like-minded people to feed my soul. I feel like my soul is being crushed here. I can't stand it much longer.
I love my job at Maurices, but I'm afraid if I focus on being promoted that I'm just going to keep staying here. I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. But l need money. Even though I only work like 15 hours a week so I need another job anyway and it seems I'm not good enough for anywhere else around here. Fucking bachelors degree. Most people in this town don't have a college degree but that doesn't matter because I don't have the right skills.
And right now I don't even feel like I'm good enough for a theatre career. I hear people tell me I'm great I'm what I do and I tell people I'm not. I've worked on ignoring the nay-Sayers but I kind of feel like they're right. I know tons and tons of amazing, talented people and I'm not as good as them. I know I'd probably be great at running a theatre but maybe that's the extent. I mean, realistically. Plus the blindness IS a problem. I can't have someone guiding me backstage in the dark all the time.
That's probably what depresses me the most. The fact that I've worked so hard trying to go to school for theatre, and learning from the best and maybe it was a waste because maybe I can't even do that anymore. That makes those ridiculous student loans look even scarier.
I honestly. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. I mean, I'm incredibly jealous of anyone who gets to be on a stage, and I know I want to do that, but maybe I have to face the fact that I can't. I don't know. I really don't know. I don't know what my next step is for anything and that frustrates the hell out of me. I know I'm the one holding myself back but I have so many decisions to make that I can't even force myself to make one. I need serious help.
