Here's a little dose of passion

If there is one thing everyone knows about me, it's that I love theatre. The problem is, is right now I'm not involved in any type at all. I've spent the last 8 years doing some type, and I spent over $100,000 pursuing it in college. I moved to New York; I had a plan. And then everything got fucking turned upside down. I was not only forced to leave cthe city that I had fallen in love with, with no possibility of returning in the near-future, but I wasn't even sure if I'd be able to ever pursue an acting career. I didn't know at the time if I'd ever be able to see again, obviously, I have regained most of my eyesight, but I still struggle with it everyday. I've been depressed lately, and feeling sorry for myself. I hate SO MUCH what my life has become, but I'm trying SO HARD to fix that. Back in March, I got a job because I thought that would be a good first step to getting back on my feet, and it has. It has given me more confidence, and has made me less anxious to walk around in public and being around other people (I spent most of six months after the incident sitting at home as most of my friends didn't live in the area anymore nor could I drive myself places). Then I moved out of my parents house and in with some friends. Though I have my independence, this has mostly brought me frustration as I'm always struggling with money and I am unable to save any money up to get back out of this town. So I think my next step is actually to move back in with the padres in order to expedite my departure. And I've even done theatre since the accident, but I'm still unsure as to whether I'll actually be able to pursue my dream. Maybe it's just fear, or maybe it's illogical, but I could easily walk off the edge of the stage or trip backstage in the dark making me a liability. I can't have someone guiding me all of the time. So, I'm trying to figure out ways to make something good out of a bad situation, and why not do that with something I've wanted to do for several years now. That is, put up a production on our own. Just me and some of my super talented friends. The problem is, is that I guess I don't have the ability to inspire others. I love doing theatre and creating theatre and performing music more. than. anything. And I get really, really passionate about it. And I get emotional about it. When I cry, I don't cry because you might not agree with something or because I'm frustrated with you about something, it's because I love what I'm doing so much and all of these emotions come up and I get this crazy buzzing feeling in me and I'm shaking because I am so freaking passionate about what I'm talking about. It doesn't mean that I'm crazy or that I can't control my emotions, it means that I have very intense emotions and I'm showing them. For godsakes, I'm a fucking actor. I don't need nor do I want to suppress these emotions, I simply want to share my excitement with the world. I want everyone around me to be just as passionate, but I know that's not going to happen. I know that if I put together the right group of people, everything would go off without a hitch. I need to find those supportive passionate people, and it makes me frustrated that I can't find them. I need people who want to share their ideas and brainstorm and come up with really awesome things, because I don't always know the right way to go about things. I love collaborating. At least, I love collaborating with people who also love collaborating. Just because you don't get something you want doesn't mean you decide you're out. You're either in this or you're not. You can't make stipulations because you don't like something. We're supposed to be a team. A team that gives and takes and even if they don't agree, they support the decision because they made the commitment. Guys, listen, I'm the queen of bossy, but I know that I'm not always right and I know when to let others lead. I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses, that's why I wanted to create a collaborative project. Others have ways of looking at things differently than me, and I love that. I love listening to ideas and discussing them. I may not agree with you, and I will share that opinion, but I'm not the only one making the decision. If a majority wanted something that I didn't care for, I'd go with it and try to find away to get on board. I'd find something to connect myself with it, I would never be like "peace out. I don't like it so I'm not gonna do it." I'm not saying bend over and do what everyone else tells you to do, but you can't just give up on things because you didn't get your way. The key word is collaboration. Anyway, it seems that the only way I'm going to be able to get anything done is to 1) get the hell out of this town. Other people may be ok with being here doing whatever, but I'm so over it. I need to be around people who inspire me, not drag me down into a depression leaving me wishing I hadn't made it out of that hospital. Obviously, I don't believe that. I know I'm destined for something but this town and the people in it are REALLY GOOD at making you feel like you're a boring nobody and you're meant to stay a boring nobody. And that is why I hate being here. It's not because it's boring. It's not because I'm throwing a fit because I can't do what I planned. I know that's fucking life. But this town is so good at dragging a person's spirit down so that they never want to go out and try for anything that may be new or risky. You know what I say to that? You know what I say? FUCK YOU. I'm going to go out and make a god damn name for myself. I'm going to go do something with my life and do WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT. You may think it's crazy or unrealistic or whatever, but I'm worth it.

Need a little help from my friends

I'm at this point in my life where I have no idea what I want anymore. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I'm so confused. And frustrated. And stressed out. I want to slam my head into a wall. Maybe it'll help me figure it out. I need guidance. Unbiased guidance. 

I know that I need out of this town. I know either back to New York or to Seattle. But. I'm scared. I haven't told anyone that. But I am. What if something happens again?  What if I can't get around as well as I think? I can't see well in the dark, am I going to suffer from constant anxiety? I can't stay here. It depresses me. Yeah I have my family and friends but I'm sorry, I need more for myself. I need to feed my creativity and no matter how hard I try I can't motivate them to work on something here. I need to be around like-minded people to feed my soul. I feel like my soul is being crushed here. I can't stand it much longer. 

I love my job at Maurices, but I'm afraid if I focus on being promoted that I'm just going to keep staying here. I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. But l need money. Even though I only work like 15 hours a week so I need another job anyway and it seems I'm not good enough for anywhere else around here. Fucking bachelors degree. Most people in this town don't have a college degree but that doesn't matter because I don't have the right skills. 

And right now I don't even feel like I'm good enough for a theatre career. I hear people tell me I'm great I'm what I do and I tell people I'm not. I've worked on ignoring the nay-Sayers but I kind of feel like they're right. I know tons and tons of amazing, talented people and I'm not as good as them. I know I'd probably be great at running a theatre but maybe that's the extent. I mean, realistically. Plus the blindness IS a problem. I can't have someone guiding me backstage in the dark all the time. 

That's probably what depresses me the most. The fact that I've worked so hard trying to go to school for theatre, and learning from the best and maybe it was a waste because maybe I can't even do that anymore. That makes those ridiculous student loans look even scarier. 

I honestly. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. I mean, I'm incredibly jealous of anyone who gets to be on a stage, and I know I want to do that, but maybe I have to face the fact that I can't. I don't know. I really don't know. I don't know what my next step is for anything and that frustrates the hell out of me. I know I'm the one holding myself back but I have so many decisions to make that I can't even force myself to make one. I need serious help. 

One Year....

It's been a year today (the 21st) since I was admitted to the hospital. I can still remember this day, as it was a long and trying one. I mostly think of my friends and how they were there for me. Today was the day Evan shuttled me from place to place and they tried figuring out what the hell was wrong with me; pushing me in a wheel chair, putting me in cabs to go a block to different parts of the hospital because of how weak I was. Today was the day David told the hospital staff that no, I wasn't going to get up off the floor because I was too sick to even sit up. Today was the day Jamila fed me mashed potatoes and jello for dinner because I hadn't eaten all day. Today was the day Jules read me our favorite 'scary" story to try to take my mind off of the pain. I just can't believe that it has been a year, but then again, it has felt like an eternity. I've been having flashbacks-I've had them a lot since then, but much more frequently as of late. Sometimes I just cry, sometimes I go into full blown panic attacks. I mean, it was a traumatic event for me that completely changed my life. I told Sasha today that I didn't like my life before, but I think I hate it even more now. I was working on getting to where I was going and now I feel like I'm back at square one. Maybe even farther because now I have to work around a disability. I do, however, think I like who I've become because of it. I believe I'm a more spiritual person, perhaps even more loving and accepting. But then I find myself falling back into some old habits, and it makes me so angry. I know, I know, you're thinking "Well, then, Bree, freaking change it!" I'M TRYING. I know it takes time, and I understand that. But I am not a very patient person. I want results, and I want them instantaneously. I have a lot of thoughts and emotions on this whole ordeal. I never know what to call it. I usually use a vague term when talking about it: "Something something something before it all happened." "Something something, but then, you know, all that went down." What do I mean? Before I went blind? Before I almost died? I don't know. It's just "the event." It may not seem like that type of thing to others, but to me, it was huge. It's has physically and emotionally impacted who I am one year later, so how can I not think about it like that? How can I not think about it all the time, because I do. I'm reminded all day at work when I'm trying to make sure I don't trip over anything while weaving through the store, when I can't be more helpful in doing certain things because I can't be on a ladder, or when I'm looking at a customer in the face and they think I'm not really paying attention when they're trying to hand me something. That may seem like a little thing, but I don't want customers to think that I'm not paying attention to them, or that I'm not observant, but I also don't feel like divulging my story to everyone in explanation. I have brought it up to a few customers, if it fit into our conversation, but most customers have no clue. I'm reminded outside of work too: for example, I have to be dependent on others because I can't really drive. This is frustrating on many levels. I'm quite an independent person, and needing people to chauffeur me around is annoying. I just want to go wherever whenever I please. Not to mention, I really love to drive. :( I can't walk down stairs, without looking like a dummy...and I realize that just over a year ago I couldn't even walk, let alone get myself up or down stairs, but still. It's not all bad though, I get to be with my family and friends here. I get to see Emma, and hang out with her and that's incredibly important to me as these are her formidable years. I want to be someone she loves and trusts, and I couldn't do that if I were away. I get to be here when Thessa has Mollie here in the next week, which is something I missed out on with Em.D. So what I feel like I'm missing out on in my life, I am gaining in my relationships, and that makes me happy. But I'm also ready to get my life back on track. So the next year is going to be focusing on taking those next steps. I want to, before I finish this post, say thank you to all of you who have been there for me through all of this. It's been a crazy, difficult year, but I couldn't have made it through without all of you. So thank you. <3

Losing grip

I'm angry. And frustrated. And hurt.
I try so hard to remain positive but there is that part of me.
I worked so hard to get where I was. I moved to New York, I was going to start a theatre company, I had an amazing community of artists surrounding me and supporting me and inspiring me. And it was all taken away. I feel as if I'm back at square one.
One year ago I was about to open the most amazing show I've ever done. Fefu and Her Friends. I was surrounded by the 7 most amazing, talented women I have ever had the pleasure of working with. We had worked so hard and put so much into creating this show that we were all so incredibly proud of. We were equals and constant inspirations to each other. I wasn't ashamed of putting the work out there, I knew we were all more than capable. Fefu made me believe my life was about to take off. And then SCREECH. Everything got turned upside down.
I'm so heart broken and teary eyed right now knowing I can't be there with those girls right now, working on some other awesome art piece. That's what I want most in the world right now is to be creating and putting up amazing theatre. New York and Lang turned me into an artist. I'm not just some actor, and I don't just "do shows." I create art. I am an artist. I want to create things and right now I feel lost. I feel I have no true creative outlet and I'm so frustrated. I pose ideas here and people look at me like I'm crazy. Like its so far-fetched. Yet if I posed it to any of my New York friends, they would be so excited to get working on it. That's the difference. People here don't want to do the work. They want it handed to them. They just "do shows." there's no passion. It's just something fun to do. Theatre is my fucking passion, and I feel as if my passion is being so disrespected right now. I will not apologize for having high standards. If people believe I'm being stuck up, that New York has turned me into a snob, I'm completely fine with that. I worked hard to get where I am and I put myself out there to experience things in order to grow, and grown I have.
I think thats why I've been so crazy lately, and itching to get back to the city, because I have had no true creative outlet. I know I need to create my own while I'm here, but it's difficult when I have a lack of inspiration, and a lack of enthusiasm from the people surrounding me. I love being around people who want to create theatre and music and art all the time because they love it and they. Ant imagine NOT doing it. I need to tap back into that. Turn my frustration into a motivator. I can't dwell on what I've lost, though sometimes it can be an overwhelming feeling of failure. I need to just get through this. Then I can get back to the beautiful friggin city, and then life I'm meant to have. :)

Stir-crazy

So I've been struggling lately with ideas of where my life is going. I know that I can't stay in Montana my whole life. That's not me. I can't stay here and Kalispell working for the rest of my life. What would I do? Who would I do it with? What about my creative endeavors? All that's here for me in Kalispell is my family and friends but I can't base my life off of them. I need to leave again. To where? I'm not sure. Of course I want to be back in the city, but I don't know if it's time to head back there yet. Perhaps Seattle or even LA. I don't know, but I'm feeling a bit stir-crazy lately. I can't live a boring life of getting up and going to the same normal job everyday. Do that for another 50+ years? SHUT UP. I have so much I need to do. So much I need to accomplish. And if making money is all that matters-and getting that money doing something I'm not really passionate about-then I'd rather but poor as hell doing something that challenges and excites me. Maybe I want a family-some day-but right now I'm not ready to settle down. I want to focus on me and my career. I want to focus completely on theatre and music and whatever else I want to do. I'm going to go to beauty school but after that I think I need to get out again. Go explore, see the world again. I'm scared to go off alone, but look how well it turned out last time. I have grown so much, and done so much that now my life is feeling stagnant again. I'm itching to change that.

Lotus

So I'm sitting here listening to Christina Aguilera's album, Lotus, and I'm just realizing how much this album feels like my life right now. A lotus is a sign of rebirth, and I'm very connected to the flower right now. As I've have mentioned, over the past year, I have been working to make myself a better, more peaceful person, and I think that I have succeeded. I think my close friends and family have really noticed. There's a calmness within myself. Yes, I struggle at times, but I am usually able to keep angry or hateful feelings subdued. But despite this, I do still hold my sassiness, which is something I've always liked about myself and I think this album contains all of this. One song I just listened to is Empty Words. This is the first time I listened to it all the way through and I couldn't believe how much the words resonated with me. I gasped when she sings the words "The hardest part of this
cannot be heard or seen.
This journey starts when I begin loving me." I could have written those words. We all know that this was the biggest accomplishment I've made through all this. And, I won't lie, sometimes I
relapse. I mean, I don't feel the loathing I had before, but sometimes I beat myself up for needing to lose weight, for being in a seemingly stalled part of my life.
That's been my biggest struggle at the moment. I constantly ask myself "What the fuck are you doing with your life?" I'm told repeatedly that it's only been 6 months, and that I can't be stressed out right now, that I'm still weak-when will I be ready? They suggest a pt job, but I'm going to be completely honest; I don't really want a regular job right now. (I mean...I don't EVER want a regular job, as I'd prefer just to be an artist, but I'm also a realist. And I don't want to be homeless) Anyway. A job would interfere with the things I really want to accomplish, such as creating my own theatre group here in the Valley, working on my cupcakes, writing, creating things in general. You're probably wondering why I didn't spend the last few months doing all that. Well. I don't have a good answer except that I talk a lot but I'm not very good at getting things done.
So how is now different? Maybe it's not. But I'm trying really hard to stay focused. A friend told me a couple weeks ago that he was sad that I sat at home only taking pictures of my dog. Now, I'm not going to stop taking pictures of Calypso, because, I'm mean, come on, you like it better than looking at everyone's pictures of their babies. Dogs>babies anyway (though I'm kinda insta-obsessed with Em.D too). But the point is that he's right. I'm wasting my life. I may be stuck in my house but that doesn't mean I can't create. He told me that he found part of a story I wrote and that it was really good. Now, my writing is like my singing, like my acting. Any artist is sensitive about their work, but I've spent years questioning my talent in all aspects. To hear him say this sparked something in me, so once I got back from New York I started writing, I took up voice lessons again, and today I had my first audition in over a year. I acted, I sang, I danced. Yes. Danced. To Thrift Shop, which is kinda fricken awesome. I started baking cupcakes with Angie, and we started working on ideas for this musical theatre group. I think the next thing I'll do is actually finish writing a song. Or at least Pick up writing lyrics again. I'm going to start working on my fitness, because then I can't turn to that as an excuse or as a way to bully myself. I think I just needed someone to tell me exactly what I knew about myself because I am the queen of making excuses to myself.
I'm going to try to keep the excuses away and just do all these things I've always wanted to do without me holding myself back.

Hey, I'm Bree

I've said it before, but I have come to a fuller understanding of myself. See. I spent my whole life hating on myself for being overweight. Fat. Obese. etc. Anyway, let me tell you something. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck if nobody likes it. I seriously don't care what you have to say on the matter. I'm hot. Not "I THINK I'm hot." I just am. I may not be what everything thinks is "beautiful," but I ain't some gross fuck that people can just talk shit about. Now, let me be clear, I haven't had anyone say anything about my weight to me in a long time, but I heard it a ton when I was younger. I was bullied, called names, ignored even because of my size until about the time high school started, but it was enough to cause me to hate myself. So thanks to all y'all who played a part in that. I'm not bitter though, and I don't hate any of them. I mean, it caused a lot of hurt in me. I remember feeling suicidal in 7th grade. What's that-12 years old? A 12-year-old wanting to kill herself because of other kids. It's sick. Yet it happens all the time. It breaks my heart for them, especially the ones who didn't have the the support like my family gave me. I remember I started high school wanting to be invisible. I wore baggy, awful, boring clothing so I could hide. I was ashamed of who I was. Who could ever love me? I was very shy, and rarely spoke to people I didn't know. I just figured that they were judging me. I didn't want to go through the pain of anyone else telling me how awful I was. So I never let anyone get the chance. But it was in my head. Constantly. Everything I did wasn't good enough for me because I didn't deserve it to be. I was a bad person in my eyes because I was fat. As high school went along, I started to open up more. Getting involved with theatre really helped that. Being able to be someone else was freedom from myself. Yet, I was still never good enough. And it all revolved around my weight. Well, if I wasn't heavy, I could dance better. Well, if I wasn't heavy, I could sing better. But it wasn't that I wasn't good at these things, it was that I was afraid to do them. I was afraid of the judgement. So I tried to refrain from doing them because I couldn't face anyone else. Or when I did try, I'd psych myself out after the constant nagging saying I couldn't do it. So yeah, I couldn't do it. My voice and creativity was stifled inside of me. It was there, but scared. It wasn't until college when I started to feel free. Freshman year doesn't count. The summer of '09, I was in my first musical and during one performance, there was a number where I just opened up. I had all my sass and growl and fire within me come pouring out. But it wasn't all ponies and rainbows after that. I still struggled. I would be my worst enemy, but I was learning what it took to defeat me. I started being more outgoing, being more involved, etc. And it was great. The first year in New York was hard. I was in this massive, crazy-talented city surrounded completely by strangers. I didn't know how to put my voice out there.But I started to love who I was, nonetheless. See, I had learned to put a mean mug on. I tried to act like I was the bitch that doesn't take no shit. And, while I don't take shit from anyone, me being a bitch is kind of a joke. Now, don't get me wrong, I can be bitchy at times, but, by no means, am I inherently bitchy. Jamila told me countless times that year "Bree. You say you're a bitch, but you're one of the nicest people out there." Ok. Yeah. I'm nice. I would go above and beyond for any of my friends to ensure that they're happy. I realized I couldn't live my life being afraid of what people thought of me or afraid of myself. So I calmed the fuck down. I went searching for the peace in my life. And it wasn't easy. But I learned to love myself. My body wasn't the definition of Bree. And I mean, come on, I definitely know how to dress it to make it look good. But I don't use clothes to hide it anymore. I use clothes to...accessorize it. I don't mind showing it off...I mean...I'm not a stripper or anything, but I want people to see me. To look at me, and go "hey, that girl is cute." or "hey girl, you looking gorgeous." Because I am. Sorry. I'm not sorry that I'm not a size 6 or even a size 16. Whateva. I'm awesome no matter what size I am, what I have been or what I will be. I'm Bree and I'm crazy awesome. I mean, not just any body could have gone through all the shit I've been through. So I love it. For as poorly I've treated it by thinking it was the worst thing in the world, it really pulled through to keep me alive. I don't need to be thin to be beautiful. I just am. I like who I am, both physically and personality-wise. I've learned a lot the past few years, and, though I can always continue to improve myself, I have found a perfect balance. I'm nice, yet sassy, maybe a little bit bitchy, um...funny, definitely, really funny, smart-that's a good one. Calm...definitely much calmer than I used to be, which makes me less stressed out and less of a worrier. Ambitious...I've always been ambitious, but now I'm not afraid to go after what I want. And most importantly, I think I'm genuine. I'm not trying to be someone I'm not. Really, I've never tried being like anyone else, but I was ashamed of who I was. Now, I am who I am, and I love that. It's not being narcissistic or stuck up, it's just loving who I've become. I'm proud of who I've become. I've been through a lot of shit. A lot of stupid shit, but it made me so strong. Who wouldn't be proud of that? It's a really cool feeling, being proud of yourself. I don't think we let ourselves do that often enough. It's like it's taboo or something. But it shouldn't be. I'm awesome. I don't have to fake confidence anymore, I just am. And that's so fucking cool.

Life can suck, but it ain't that bad

Sometimes, when I think something sucks, I just think about how I'm supposed to be here. I could very well be dead and gone, but I'm not. Over 50% of people with severe cases of venous thrombosis don't survive. And my NYC docs said that they had never seen such a severe case. So why am I here? I'm not exactly sure what that answer is yet, but it's a good reason. A big reason. I remember I used to feel like my life was nothing, and I was a waste of space. I have gone through deep bouts of depression. Even as recently as this past summer...I was applying to every job under the sun (over 100 applications) and had three interviews. One got me the job at The Public, but I knew that wasn't going to pay rent, so I needed to find yet another. I hated life. I thought that I wasn't good enough for even an office job. I was feeling really low. I hated myself. I wasn't smart enough, talented enough, not good enough for anything I wanted to do. People kept telling me that I needed to try harder, and that wasn't helping me none. I'm sorry. Applying for over 100 jobs in under 3 months wasn't trying hard enough? Why? Because I wasn't applying to McDonald's? I'm sorry, but I possess a college degree. Even in high school, I didn't want to work in fast food. It may have gotten me a paycheck, but I, undoubtedly, would hate myself even more. Sorry. Not sorry. I hold myself to a high standard. I always have, in everything I do. School, work, theatre, everything. It's been both the greatest thing about me, and my biggest flaw. Now a days, I really only get frustrated with what I can't do. Like seeing was a huge thing for me. Now, I have most of my eyesight, and can function nearly normally, but it still gets me down when I think of what I used to be able to do and how now I have to be ultra careful. Do I think I can drive? Now, I feel confident I could but people don't trust my opinion even though I'M the one who can tell. Not them, me. I just feel stuck, and it's stupid as hell, but I just have to remind myself where I came from. Three months ago I was completely blind, but now I'm almost back to normal Bree. Lately it's been my hair. My Coumadin is making my hair fall out a lot, and it's really thin. Now, if you know me, you know how much I care about hair. It's one of the easiest ways to express myself. And I love the blonde, but bleaching it is making it worse. I teared up when I realized that I may have to dye it back to brown, so you see how much I care about it. This is probably the longest I've gone with one color-I'd even change the shade of brown I'd rock. But blonde suits me. Everyone doubted me when I wanted it, but now everyone agrees it's the bomb. It sucks, but I'll get through this. It's a small thing. Everything's a small thing now. And that's a huge thing for me. I'm the worrier, the planner...everything has to be perfect. But now, I'm just relaxed. I go with the flow, and try not to worry about everything. It's not worth it, and I realize that now. I mean, I feel bad that I gripe about hair loss and my eyes not healing fast enough, but fuck-what does everyone expect? My life has been turned upside down. But I keep myself in check, remind myself that I have a million and one things to be thankful for and being here is one of them. I believe I've been through the worst, and now I just have to work on finding what it is my life is meant for. I'm going to throw myself into the things that I love, including acting and music, rather than finding excuses not to. Because that's what I used to do, because I was scared. I was afraid that I wasn't good enough, now I'm just going to do what I love and not worry about anything else. Sharing my voice with people or auditioning or whatever whatever whatever isn't nearly as frightening as going blind, having surgery after surgery, after surgery, nearly dying, etc. It's such a small thing now. Everything is such a small thing. Except for my life. It's gonna be huge.

One Love

This world breaks my heart.
I don't hate homophobic people, as I refuse to be on their level, but they break my heart into a million tiny pieces. Why should you treat me any different than you do my friends just because I am attracted to the opposite sex? My friends are the same as me: human. Just like you. Why should you treat them as otherwise? People have the right to love and marry. Marry whomever they choose. I'm so sick of people acting so pretentious and thinking they have the right to say who should who. Who are you to judge? Do you think you're so high and mighty? Because last time I checked your name wasn't "God." and, yes. I do believe in God. And I believe he loves everyone that he has ever made equally no matter race, sex or sexual preference. This is why I left the Catholic church. I attended Catholic school for 9 years (10 if you count my short-lived stay at Carroll) and I was taught that God loved all his children-unless they were gay. To be fair, it wasn't the teachers who taught me that, it was others in the community such as the youth pastor, the priest and parents through their actions. I'm just lucky I had a mother who taught me to be open-minded and loving. I realize that if my father had actually been there when I was growing up, his influence mayhave changed the view I so strongly believe in, but he wasn't. And I believe that it happened that way for a reason.
I just wish people would realize that they don't have the right to judge. I know that it's only a matter of time before gay marriage is legal, and in thirty years they'll look back and think that it was really sick and ridiculous that it was ever an issue. I can't wait for that day.

Dreams

I've been really sentimental and such lately, but I thought now would be the perfect time to share the funny moments brought on by the best part of the hospital trip: the drugs. There's a few so I dunno if I'll share them all right now. We'll see.
The first one that I recall had me standing at South Street Seaport. I was looking over at Brooklyn, but it was all farmland. In the East River were two full-sized pigs that had been put out there with a banner to advertise something. One of the pigs had gotten stuck in the banner and was drowning. The other was trying to help it, but unsuccessfully. So I jumped in. (ew) I saw out to them as they were near the Brooklyn bank. I was working on freeing the stuck pig as the other one assisted me in staying afloat. (can pigs actually swim? Anyone know?) finally I got him free and he made his way up the bank and both pigs wandered off into the Farmland of Brooklyn.

Dream number was actually just creepy. Mom and I had reserved a room at some Coney Island bed and breakfast. However, they had rented the room to several people too. The other people were ok with sharing, but we said we'd go find somewhere else. They even were going to knock down a wall to create more room. It was all really creepy and 1950s Twilight Zonish. They told us they had made a tone of cake and cookies and they started singing really creepily. I started eating a milkshake shaped cookie huddled in a cornerbut I ate too much and felt sick. That's when I woke up and felt sick, yet so relieved for the dream to be over.

When they transferred me to Roosevelt, they placed these things on my legs that pumped in order to keep me from getting more blood clots. Well I fell asleep and dreamt that I was dressed in a crazy outfit which included fishnets for Cinco de Mayo. I was in a costume shop-I think for ATP- and these two Siamese cats wearing Sombreros came up to me and started pulling and climbing up my legs. I couldn't get them off because they were attached to the fishnets. At this point, I was awoken by a nurse and I asked her to get the cats off my legs. She informed me that there were no cats and that's when I was fully awake.

Sometimes I'd get an awful feeling of falling in my body and I'd wake up in the middle of a dream. One that I remember is Sara teaching us Fefu girls a very Fosse like dance routine in black leotards in a garage somewhere. Then some weren't funny and rather scary. I don't care to share those.

Next time I'll share the dreams and hallucinations caused by anesthesia. Those were whoa.

Positivity

While I laid in the hospital, I had a lot of time to think about everything, and amongst the wild dreams, I head some epiphanies. One of those was that I could no longer have negativity in my life. I mean, it was the power of positive thinking that got me through this.
I mean everyone is so negative all the time. Why? Why waste your time being angry or hating on the world when you could choose to be happy?
I mean, it's from everything serious to trivial. Religion, for example. Why do people feel the need to talk crap against others beliefs? It's what they choose to believe, and it's important to them just as yours are to you. I may not agree with certain beliefs, but that doesn't mean they're horrible people. And who am I to say their beliefs are stupid or crazy?
On the more trivial side, we can look at music. Maybe you hate Justin Beiber, but why do you hate him? Because you don't like his music? Then don't listen. You don't need to hate on this person you've never met. Good for him for being successful and doing what he loves. He's doing what makes him happy, so why don't you focus on finding what makes you happy?
I'm no longer going to let negative thoughts take up my energy. I'm spending these next few months searching for what makes me happy. I was miserable in the city this summer and I had forgotten what it was I truly wanted my life to be. So I'm glad I'm back in Montana because I need to refocus and go out and discover what it is my soul craves. I think I really wanna focus on music and not just theatrical music, but a good mixture of everything. Strangely enough, country music is really getting to me lately. Pop/rock is where I've always felt I belonged so I want to expand there too. I just feel like I've put all my focus on theatre, which I obviously love, but there's more to me that I've hidden away. I just wanna sing. Singing in the hospital got me through a lot of fear and pain and also boredom. When you can't see and you're used to your social media, you can go a bit stir crazy. But I appreciate the break too, because it really allowed me to think a reevaluate. I'm not the same Bree. Yes, personality-wise, but I'm calmer, more positive and happier. That may sound strange, but I've been asking for a change in my life and God knew it had to be a big friggin sign in order to get to me. I needed this. Now, I'm not sure if I'm no longer the worrier I've always been, but I think I've been letting a lot of things just go that I used to dwell on. I just accept the fact I can't change them or do anything about it, so I just shrug it off. It's nice and I think the people around me will find it to be a pleasant change.
I'm also find it important to surround myself with positive people. I just don't take others negativity well, and I'm afraid that it could force its way back into my life and I can't have that. Shane told me he and Sash were afraid they'd be pushed outta my life because they're negative, but my life wouldn't be complete without them. I just told them I'd just keep them in check. I've already said things to different people about different things they've said. If it's unnecessary, why waste your time. Jesu Christo, people, don't you prefer to be happy? I do. We only have so much time on this earth and I'm not going to waste my time hating it. You shouldn't either.
I don't mean to sound preachy but we really don't notice how much everyone does it until something crazy like this happens and you take a really hard look at your life. So just look at it like I'm saving you the blindness and three week hospital stay. It's alright. I'll take one for the team. You're welcome. :)

Love Thyself

One of the coolest/best things to come out of this whole ordeal is that I love myself. I used to be very self-conscious about everything. I wasn't talented enough, I wasn't smart enough, I wasn't pretty enough. I didn't believe in myself, though I was fairly good at faking confidence. More than once I sabotaged myself by telling myself I wasn't good enough to audition. I was afraid for people to hear me sing which made me nervous so it'd often come out as shaky. No matter how many people told me I was a good singer, all I could think about was how I wasn't good enough. Acting, I was a bit more secure in but I still constantly second guessed myself. But now I see. I see what I had been missing. I was so consumed with being perfect, I wasn't enjoying what I truly loved doing. That's why I loved doing Fefu so much. I became so comfortable with the girls that I didn't worry whether they were judging me or not. They heard me sing, they heard me rap (my Super Bass is pretty sick), they even saw me dance (a very rare occurrence)! I could be myself and they still loved me, something I had only attributed to my bestest friends before.
I don't know how but this thing made all that hate for myself fly away. I see how awesome I am. For example, last Friday I was sitting outside the hospital after getting my staples out and I was sitting in a wheel chair on the streets of NYC. I was bored so I started singing. Out loud. For everyone to hear. And I didn't care. I don't care who hears me sing now. I WANT everyone to hear, whereas before it took someone begging me to MAYBE get me to sing. But singing got me through a lot of rough moments in the hospital. One night, for example, I couldn't sleep (I actually didn't sleep for 3 nights) because my body felt like it was quaking so nothing was moving. It was a horrible, unsettling feeling so I sang Beatles songs because I knew my mom would like them. I didn't know all the words so half of it was hummed and when I didn't know the rest of the song, I'd just start singing another or return to Hey Jude-the only one I knew completely. I imagine if anyone was watching the moment, they'd probably be super creeped out.
Anyway. Singing kept my mind off of the awful feelings and still keeps me positive. My mom now can sing Call Me, Maybe thanks to it being my go- to song.
As for other things, like feeling smart, I just felt like I never had anything good to say so I kept my mouth shut a lot. Now I feel like I have an over abundance to say. Y'all will probably tell me to shut up. :) but that's why I have this blog.
As for loving the way I look, well. I don't want a boob job anymore. Ok. Maybe that's just because I want to avoid anesthesia at all costs. But the thing is I love myself no matter. What size I am. I had gotten to a point where I was comfortable with myself but I was always wishing for more. Now I get a little upset when other people are obsessed with the fact I lost 40lbs in the hospital. Cool I guess, but I love myself no matter my weight. I'm Bree no matter what. I dont want to weigh myself all the time. Thanks, but no thanks.
Plus on top of all that awesomeness that makes me, I'm pretty damn funny too. So there's that. Hahaha.
Usually people would look at a post like this where someone only talks about how much they love themselves and think that they're a giant d-bag but this is HUGE guys. Maybe I am a d-bag but I think I'm just a girl who finally discovered herself.
Oh God. That's cheesy.

What Happened?

It's been a crazy long time since I've blogged but it has been such a crazy month and I have a ton to say.
I'll try to explain what happened first and foremost. So I spent the summer living in Brooklyn with Evy and working at the school and the Public. I would get headaches but then they got worse and I thought I was having migraines. I also had awful neck pain which I attributed to sitting on the steps of the Delacorte and having to crane my neck up. However, no aspirin, ibuprofen or any other pain reliever helped. I went to urgent care and they prescribed migraine med and flexeral for my neck. That didn't help so the next day I went to the ER. Whatever they gave me made me feel great and while I waited for my prescription, I went shopping at Lush and Old Navy. The next morning I woke up feeling awful again but I just rested. The next day, Monday, I was a lot worse and my vision was getting wavy so I needed to go to the ER. I knew I wouldn't make it by myself so Jamila came to Bushwick (leaving work) to get me. We were gonna take the train but I could barely walk. I sat down on the platform because I didn't have the strength to stand. So Jamila called a car. The ER was full but they finally got me in when I laid on the floor bc I couldn't stand anymore. I spent 12 hours there that day with Jami, David, Jules and Evan taking shifts with me. I love them all so much. Then the hospital sent me home for the night so I could go to the Eye and Ear Infirmary the next morning. I really shouldn't have left. Tuesday I was worse. And Evan was wheeling me (literally at times with a wheel chair) around everywhere bc my insurance had ended on Sunday. Cherry on top, ya know? We waited forever for an MRI until they decided I needed to be back in the ER. The ER was full again and I laid on the floor for, I think, was a couple hours. I don't remember much except for David snapping at everyone who said I couldn't lay there. I remember finally being put on a bed in the hall in the ER, lots of drugs, Jamila feeding me mashed potatoes, maybe being fed orange jello, being upset there was no pudding and Jules reading me that really scary story (thanks Jules!). Finally it was time for the MRI and they took all my piercings out :( all I remember next is them telling me I had blood clots in my sinuses in my brain and I told them to call my mom. I had to wait forever for a room but I finally got in and then slept a lot while they switched between giving me dillauded(sp?) and morphine. I remember Sasha coming and spent the night, Jer visited, as did Caelina and finally Mama came. Everyone was really good about filling me in on everyone's love and support from Facebook and beyond. Trust me all of you were so helpful in getting me through all of it. It helped me stay positive. So back to the hospital. My vision was getting worse and they were doing test after test. I spent a week at Beth-Israel until they knew they couldn't help me with my vision so they transferred me to Roosevelt. There, they brought in experts who planned my operations. I can't/don't want to go into too much details on those, but for one they used some kind of scope put in through my pelvis to check the severity of the blood clots that had formed in my head and neck and shoulders. I heard it was pretty ugly. Then to reduce swelling in my optic nerves (what caused the blindness I guess) they had this world famous doctor make a little clip in the sheath of the optic in the right eye. Then once enough swelling had gone down and the blood clots had reduced a bit they were able to put the shunt in. Before they didn't have enough room. Even some pediatric neurosurgeon said she couldn't do it. Dudes. I know this shit be crazy. They thought stoop. They said they had never seen anything quite like it before. Similar but not quite like this. Needs to be on Grey's or something right? The shunt is in there forever so now I'm like some bad ass lil freak. That's cool I guess. You'll only know its there if you touch my head and feel it. My hair was somewhat shaved but the way it parts covers it up. I spent 3 weeks total in the hospital, getting out on mama's bday. I couldn't be there anymore. Emotionally, I couldn't handle it, and I wasn't sleeping, even with a concoction of dillauded, ambien and Xanax. Yeah. Crazy friggin sleep when I did get some. Physical therapy wanted to keep me for another week but I just couldn't. Hello. I'd just be out yesterday and that would have been 4 weeks in a hospital. A month. Yeah. I'm sure physically I'd be almost good as new but emotionally, not so much. I'm working on the physical part with my mom, but I'm still fairly weak. Getting better though. I took a short all by myself this morning and I wasn't completely exhausted afterwards! I walk down the block and work on stairs when I go up to bed. It's crazy how weak your body becomes laying in bed for 3 weeks. I feel so old. I have a lot of insight bc I had a lot of time to think and reflect, but I'll share those in another post sometime. I'll also share some great dreams I had and some hallucinations because they need to be shared. There's some crazy stories, man. But for now at least you get a fairly good story about what went down. At least, I think.

Princess Procrastination

Slacker Bree. Slacker Bree.

Actually. Not really slacker Bree. Finals-are-coming-thus-frantically-putting-it-off-because-it-all-stresses-her-out Bree. That's how I cope. I pretend it doesn't exist. haha. Actually I'm more doing that with the idea of packing all of my shit up. I hate packing. Grrrr. So when I'm not working on my finals, working, or sitting in class, I'm...drinking. Just kidding. That was just Friday. Which caused me to spend Saturday lying in my bed, because if I moved just a little bit, I felt extremely nauseous. And, well, I try to refrain from drinking on school nights. But not always. hahaha. I remember finals week spring semester freshman year. While everyone had final tests to study for, Theatre Major Bree who-disregarded-most-of-her-gen-eds-freshman-year chilled in her room drinking screw drivers. I remember that we had a handle of Nikolai, which actually lasted us quite a while by freshman standards, but that was probably only because Nikolai is nasty shit.

So enough on my alcoholism that doesn't exist. Let's talk summer. I love me some summer. Though I will miss the city these next three months, I am excited to back home, be outdoors, be with mis amigos. I'm also excited to miss out on the humidity. If there's one thing I hate, it's that.

Bads news bears though. I have to get a real job. Boo. No theatre, or work study job, which are the only types that I've had the past 3 years. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I will never live in Kalispell ever again. It's not right to hate your work. Haha.

Cabaret update: Nothing new. Except final project wise. Still procrastinating on writing that grant.

I'm boring. I need to stop boring you. I'm gonna go writes me a song. (Still procrastinating...)

Peace,
Bree

Idiot

Tonight is American Idiot's closing night on Broadway. You may not care, and perhaps you think that a Green Day musical would be stupid. Let me tell you, it's not. Granted, it's right up my alley-rock musical? Hell fuckin yes. But it's really a crazy good show. And even though it's closing, it's going to go on tour, so definitely try seeing it if it comes to a town near you.

I've been listening to the entire cast album today. "21 Guns" is my favoooooriiiiite. I'm in love with it. The entire album is fantastic, though, and I've never been a huge Green Day fan. A song here and there, ya know? You can find a lot of bootlegs (naughty, naughty) on youtube, so you should try to check some out. :)

Now, I'm going back to my grant writing.

Peace,
Bree

Procrastination is also an art I'm really good at.

Have I told you how excited I am for the cabaret? haha.
I applied for a $1000 grant today. Really for reals did it. Even if we don't get it, I did it. I impress myself sometimes. Taking initiative. That's what's up. However, it wasn't set up like a regular grant application, so I still have to write one of those for the project. Procrastinating because I don't know where to start. Woot Woot. Google's gonna tell me how to though.

Then I'll start bull-shitting a paper on Grotowski, while using his ideas on a certain play of my choosing through an actor's lens. Makes sense? Yeah. Me either. hahaha. I have to read up on the dude, because, I'm going to be completely honest here, I do bare minimum reading for my classes. For instance, we have certain things to read for my Theatre Theory class each day, but I read one part and write my one-page paper on that. For my Collaborating In and Beyond Music class, I get the set of questions for the quizzes (a usually mythical thing at Lang), and skim the readings to find the answers. That's how I do yo. I have an attention span of a two-year old when I'm supposed to read school-texty stuff. And two-year olds can't read. Unless they're utter geniuses. I'll give that to you. School is stupid. That's what I think. hahaha. I shouldn't be complaining. At least I don't have final tests or any of that shit. Again, most of Lang doesn't believe in those nasty things. I love my school. hahaha. And yes, I'm procrastinating it all by writing this blog.

Now, on Easter Eve, I will continue to persevere on these final projects. Hopefully. Perhaps I'll be more motivated tomorrow? Weekends are too short. And I have 3 day weekends. Sheesh. I'm telling you. I have the attention span of a two-year-old. I suck at this game. On more year, that's it! :)

Peace,
Bree

An Artist

Most artists feel alone in the world, and desperately seek connection.

My Theatre Theory professor said that this morning, and goddamn is it true. People may think that "connection" would be switched with "attention," but I don't believe that's the case. I don't do things to make people pay attention to me, but rather to listen to me, and to connect with me. I want them to understand where I am coming from, and who I am. Very few people actually know who I am. They know my name, but they don't know what I'm about. Artists get this connections by the going through rehearsal processes, and working together. Collaboration. That's why your artists seem to stay in their little cliques. It's who they connect with the easiest. I mean, most of my friends are involved in theatre or music. I met them through doing those things. It's extremely difficult for me to connect to people without the art. I'm just so invested in what I do that it's hard to step out of that world.

I think that's what makes someone want to be an artist-a need to escape loneliness, but that can backfire too. They spend all their time trying to connect through their art that they find themselves too busy for an actual relationship. Platonic relationships are usually fine, but a relationship with a lover takes more energy. I am guilty of this. I'd rather focus on what I'm doing with my life as an artist, rather than get involved with someone. But I will admit that it does get lonely, but I just stifle those feelings with comatosing myself with music and theatre. I have faith though that one day I will chill the fuck out, and actually start giving my love life a chance. I am, like, the world's most guarded person though, so it's going to take a little work. haha. But I'm not too worried yet.

I'm starting to like this term "artist" more and more lately. At first I was hesitant to use it to describe myself, but you know what? That is what I am. If someone has this much passion for something, and actually has the fire in them to go after that, you can't take that title away from them. This is what I'm going to do it, and everything else can suck it!

:D

Peace,
Bree

Head Bangin'

Well. I went crazy today. And by "crazy," I mean I'm stressed. It wouldn't be so stressful if this cabaret was hypothetical, but, Bitch, it is not.

People can joke, and not act serious about it, but somebody has to do something, and that someone is me. You may say "Oh well, it's not til January," but I'm going to bet you don't know what all one has to do to get events up and running. Not to mention I'm going to be in New York for four months in between! AKA. Shit's got to get done this summer! I take everything I do theatre and music-wise VERY seriously. So if you're not as dedicated as I believe you need to be, and if you don't take it seriously (being late, FLAKY) I will seriously kick you in the fucking throat. I'm a perfectionist, and if I'm running this joint, I am going to make damn sure it turns out perfect. But it will be fun too. I mean, I've worked my ass off for productions, and I still had the time of my life. If you love something, you can take it seriously and have fun at the same time.

So my plan this week is to talk to everyone who said they're interested, and see what they think about auditions-or if they have any suggestions for guys interested in joining us. Then I'm going to call on some spaces to put on the show for two nights-January 5th and 6th. Those are tentative, but I believe those are the best dates. I AM IN SEARCH OF REHEARSAL SPACES FOR THE SUMMER. IF ANYONE HAS ANY SUGGESTIONS, PLEASE SHARE THEM WITH ME. Thanks. :)

I'm also hashing out the budget. I think that's been scaring me the most. Right now it's at $6,000, but I feel like maybe I'm jipping people because I don't know what I'm supposed to pay them...if I can. (If anybody wants to work "in kind" that'd be awfully sweet of you...) hahaha. So I have got to get rolling on these grants (wooo wooo) because you've got to do those way ahead of time. It may be pushing it right now. Also, I'm hoping we can do a Kickstarter, which is where a lot of you can help out, by donating to our cause for incentives! I'm going to talk to Rebecca about what else we'll need to do. But it's gonna kick my ass for sure.

So I currently feel like I'm banging my head against a wall. I wish that I could get someone to rally with me, and help me out, but it takes a certain passion to give it your all. I'm working on all of my final project shit right now, but this is my greater focus. I'm going to make this happen, and when it does, I am going to feel incredible, and I'll be proud of my work, and everyone's who will be involved. I love this project so much, and I know nothing's going to happen unless YOU create it. I believe everyone needs to go out and start creating. Start doing your own art. Knock down the boundaries, and the restraints. Theatre kids don't only have to do the show the school or the big theatres are presenting, and music kids don't need to stick to concerts and events that they audition for or are invited to participate in. Create your own events. Your own spaces. Music and theatre can be done anywhere. You're only stopping yourself. Break the restraints. I feel like I'm starting up a revolution. hahaha. No, but that's what Lang and New York has taught me. And it may be one of the most important things I've ever learned in school.

I must apologize for my bitchiness today though. It's partly stress, but the other part was the fact that I had to listen to this dumb girl talk for ever and a day about boys and shit. Go back to high school. Over it. hahahaha. People drive me crazy.

Now off to research.

Peace,
Bree

Success

You know that song, "Gives You Hell?" I love that song. Whenever somebody tries to knock me down, or at least gives me the impression that they think I could never make it as an "artist," I just play that song over and over again. Bitchy? Maybe. But they'll never know about it...until I cover it when I'm famous. Hahahahaha.
But seriously, people talk to me like I don't know it's hard to make it in the theatre or music business. Trust. I KNOW. It's not going to be easy, but I never expected it to be. Ever. I'm doing this because I love it, and I honest to God cannot think of anything else I would rather do. I'm not doing any of this to be famous. I'm going to do it because it's all I want to do, and if I'm really successful by doing so, great! People are lying if they say that they don't want that. It gets them PAID. But if people are doing it solely for the recognition, they're going to be sorely disappointed. Everybody's idea of success is different, so it may be having a steady paycheck and being able to only do your art to get it, and for others it's performing for humongous crowds in Madison Square Garden, or something. None of it's wrong, but a real artist does it for the right reasons. It's about paying your dues, and doing your time. You've got to earn your spot in the business, and I don't want to do it any other way. I don't want it to be easy for me. I want people to respect me. Plus, don't songwriters need to struggle to become the best? Yep. hahahaha. So I know it's not easy. I'm gonna work my ass off. You've got to decide, though, how long you're going to work for it. Some people do it for ten years before they want to settle down and start a family, while others do it their entire lives. I don't know for myself yet, but I'm 21, and I've barely started! Right now I could care less about getting married, and having kids, but that could change. I'm not going to set a specific date. I'm going to feel it out, and work my ass off until I decide I'm done, if I ever do. WHO KNOWS? So yeah. Rant for the day. :)

Peace,
Bree

Salt and Vinegar

Look at me! Only two days, and I'm doing another post! Aren't you proud of this little girl growing up?

So, I could bore you with my strange new desire to snack on salt and vinegar chips (Deep River Snacks brand) or delight myself with Diet Coke, but I don't think you'd necessarily care about any of that, so I'm just going to expand on my little cabaret...

So I don't remember what all I told you last time, but I guess I can just tell you my basic plan. I want a small, intimate stage with 10 stools, all the same height, because I'm hoping there will be 10 of us, and I'm very anal and want the same damn stools for everyone. So add that to the budget (stools, check.) I also think it would be incredibly awesome for each of us to have our own mics. This may be asking a lot though, but we're going to be shooting big here. You gotta have your dream budget, and your practical budget. What could be even more awesome? Wireless mics. Or even half and half. (Add a large budget for mics...) So each of the performers get the choice to do their own solo number, and then the rest of the time will be composed of whole group numbers, duets, trios, quintets, etc. It'll be a wide range of showtunes, some old as musical theatre itself (probably not, but we're not cutting them off), and some brand new. I'd love to do a number from a brand new musical that I just saw in previews about two weeks ago. It would be fantastic. I am a rock-musical enthusiast, so to ensure that that's not all we'll be doing, I am looking to the others to throw out some ideas. We all know that if I had my way, we'd be doing a lot of Spring Awakening, Rent, Hair, etc. Haha. I'm trying to keep it so we only do one song from any certain show. That may prove hard to do, especially with solo numbers, but we'll see. I'm really excited to get this going and settling in the numbers. It's going to be uberly awesome. Promise.

Also, if anybody knows someone (or if you are that someone) who could help me out with some design stuff, like on a website, or anything I'd need as a professional person (haha) then hit me up. I'll owe you when I become famous! :)

Peace,
Bree

P.S.
I'd also like to know what all y'all think of this font. I like it because it's similar to my handwriting, but I wanna know if everyone can read it.

P.P.S.
This (link below) is like my online business card-all the ways you could ever want to get a hold of me on, minus Facebook, because I'm keeping that private, and sometime in the near future I'll create a fan page for me...once I get fans besides my mom (love you, Madre!). I'm just kidding. My friends are huge fans of me too. :)

http://about.me/edit/bree_danielle