Life can suck, but it ain't that bad

Sometimes, when I think something sucks, I just think about how I'm supposed to be here. I could very well be dead and gone, but I'm not. Over 50% of people with severe cases of venous thrombosis don't survive. And my NYC docs said that they had never seen such a severe case. So why am I here? I'm not exactly sure what that answer is yet, but it's a good reason. A big reason. I remember I used to feel like my life was nothing, and I was a waste of space. I have gone through deep bouts of depression. Even as recently as this past summer...I was applying to every job under the sun (over 100 applications) and had three interviews. One got me the job at The Public, but I knew that wasn't going to pay rent, so I needed to find yet another. I hated life. I thought that I wasn't good enough for even an office job. I was feeling really low. I hated myself. I wasn't smart enough, talented enough, not good enough for anything I wanted to do. People kept telling me that I needed to try harder, and that wasn't helping me none. I'm sorry. Applying for over 100 jobs in under 3 months wasn't trying hard enough? Why? Because I wasn't applying to McDonald's? I'm sorry, but I possess a college degree. Even in high school, I didn't want to work in fast food. It may have gotten me a paycheck, but I, undoubtedly, would hate myself even more. Sorry. Not sorry. I hold myself to a high standard. I always have, in everything I do. School, work, theatre, everything. It's been both the greatest thing about me, and my biggest flaw. Now a days, I really only get frustrated with what I can't do. Like seeing was a huge thing for me. Now, I have most of my eyesight, and can function nearly normally, but it still gets me down when I think of what I used to be able to do and how now I have to be ultra careful. Do I think I can drive? Now, I feel confident I could but people don't trust my opinion even though I'M the one who can tell. Not them, me. I just feel stuck, and it's stupid as hell, but I just have to remind myself where I came from. Three months ago I was completely blind, but now I'm almost back to normal Bree. Lately it's been my hair. My Coumadin is making my hair fall out a lot, and it's really thin. Now, if you know me, you know how much I care about hair. It's one of the easiest ways to express myself. And I love the blonde, but bleaching it is making it worse. I teared up when I realized that I may have to dye it back to brown, so you see how much I care about it. This is probably the longest I've gone with one color-I'd even change the shade of brown I'd rock. But blonde suits me. Everyone doubted me when I wanted it, but now everyone agrees it's the bomb. It sucks, but I'll get through this. It's a small thing. Everything's a small thing now. And that's a huge thing for me. I'm the worrier, the planner...everything has to be perfect. But now, I'm just relaxed. I go with the flow, and try not to worry about everything. It's not worth it, and I realize that now. I mean, I feel bad that I gripe about hair loss and my eyes not healing fast enough, but fuck-what does everyone expect? My life has been turned upside down. But I keep myself in check, remind myself that I have a million and one things to be thankful for and being here is one of them. I believe I've been through the worst, and now I just have to work on finding what it is my life is meant for. I'm going to throw myself into the things that I love, including acting and music, rather than finding excuses not to. Because that's what I used to do, because I was scared. I was afraid that I wasn't good enough, now I'm just going to do what I love and not worry about anything else. Sharing my voice with people or auditioning or whatever whatever whatever isn't nearly as frightening as going blind, having surgery after surgery, after surgery, nearly dying, etc. It's such a small thing now. Everything is such a small thing. Except for my life. It's gonna be huge.