One Year....

It's been a year today (the 21st) since I was admitted to the hospital. I can still remember this day, as it was a long and trying one. I mostly think of my friends and how they were there for me. Today was the day Evan shuttled me from place to place and they tried figuring out what the hell was wrong with me; pushing me in a wheel chair, putting me in cabs to go a block to different parts of the hospital because of how weak I was. Today was the day David told the hospital staff that no, I wasn't going to get up off the floor because I was too sick to even sit up. Today was the day Jamila fed me mashed potatoes and jello for dinner because I hadn't eaten all day. Today was the day Jules read me our favorite 'scary" story to try to take my mind off of the pain. I just can't believe that it has been a year, but then again, it has felt like an eternity. I've been having flashbacks-I've had them a lot since then, but much more frequently as of late. Sometimes I just cry, sometimes I go into full blown panic attacks. I mean, it was a traumatic event for me that completely changed my life. I told Sasha today that I didn't like my life before, but I think I hate it even more now. I was working on getting to where I was going and now I feel like I'm back at square one. Maybe even farther because now I have to work around a disability. I do, however, think I like who I've become because of it. I believe I'm a more spiritual person, perhaps even more loving and accepting. But then I find myself falling back into some old habits, and it makes me so angry. I know, I know, you're thinking "Well, then, Bree, freaking change it!" I'M TRYING. I know it takes time, and I understand that. But I am not a very patient person. I want results, and I want them instantaneously. I have a lot of thoughts and emotions on this whole ordeal. I never know what to call it. I usually use a vague term when talking about it: "Something something something before it all happened." "Something something, but then, you know, all that went down." What do I mean? Before I went blind? Before I almost died? I don't know. It's just "the event." It may not seem like that type of thing to others, but to me, it was huge. It's has physically and emotionally impacted who I am one year later, so how can I not think about it like that? How can I not think about it all the time, because I do. I'm reminded all day at work when I'm trying to make sure I don't trip over anything while weaving through the store, when I can't be more helpful in doing certain things because I can't be on a ladder, or when I'm looking at a customer in the face and they think I'm not really paying attention when they're trying to hand me something. That may seem like a little thing, but I don't want customers to think that I'm not paying attention to them, or that I'm not observant, but I also don't feel like divulging my story to everyone in explanation. I have brought it up to a few customers, if it fit into our conversation, but most customers have no clue. I'm reminded outside of work too: for example, I have to be dependent on others because I can't really drive. This is frustrating on many levels. I'm quite an independent person, and needing people to chauffeur me around is annoying. I just want to go wherever whenever I please. Not to mention, I really love to drive. :( I can't walk down stairs, without looking like a dummy...and I realize that just over a year ago I couldn't even walk, let alone get myself up or down stairs, but still. It's not all bad though, I get to be with my family and friends here. I get to see Emma, and hang out with her and that's incredibly important to me as these are her formidable years. I want to be someone she loves and trusts, and I couldn't do that if I were away. I get to be here when Thessa has Mollie here in the next week, which is something I missed out on with Em.D. So what I feel like I'm missing out on in my life, I am gaining in my relationships, and that makes me happy. But I'm also ready to get my life back on track. So the next year is going to be focusing on taking those next steps. I want to, before I finish this post, say thank you to all of you who have been there for me through all of this. It's been a crazy, difficult year, but I couldn't have made it through without all of you. So thank you. <3