Losing grip

I'm angry. And frustrated. And hurt.
I try so hard to remain positive but there is that part of me.
I worked so hard to get where I was. I moved to New York, I was going to start a theatre company, I had an amazing community of artists surrounding me and supporting me and inspiring me. And it was all taken away. I feel as if I'm back at square one.
One year ago I was about to open the most amazing show I've ever done. Fefu and Her Friends. I was surrounded by the 7 most amazing, talented women I have ever had the pleasure of working with. We had worked so hard and put so much into creating this show that we were all so incredibly proud of. We were equals and constant inspirations to each other. I wasn't ashamed of putting the work out there, I knew we were all more than capable. Fefu made me believe my life was about to take off. And then SCREECH. Everything got turned upside down.
I'm so heart broken and teary eyed right now knowing I can't be there with those girls right now, working on some other awesome art piece. That's what I want most in the world right now is to be creating and putting up amazing theatre. New York and Lang turned me into an artist. I'm not just some actor, and I don't just "do shows." I create art. I am an artist. I want to create things and right now I feel lost. I feel I have no true creative outlet and I'm so frustrated. I pose ideas here and people look at me like I'm crazy. Like its so far-fetched. Yet if I posed it to any of my New York friends, they would be so excited to get working on it. That's the difference. People here don't want to do the work. They want it handed to them. They just "do shows." there's no passion. It's just something fun to do. Theatre is my fucking passion, and I feel as if my passion is being so disrespected right now. I will not apologize for having high standards. If people believe I'm being stuck up, that New York has turned me into a snob, I'm completely fine with that. I worked hard to get where I am and I put myself out there to experience things in order to grow, and grown I have.
I think thats why I've been so crazy lately, and itching to get back to the city, because I have had no true creative outlet. I know I need to create my own while I'm here, but it's difficult when I have a lack of inspiration, and a lack of enthusiasm from the people surrounding me. I love being around people who want to create theatre and music and art all the time because they love it and they. Ant imagine NOT doing it. I need to tap back into that. Turn my frustration into a motivator. I can't dwell on what I've lost, though sometimes it can be an overwhelming feeling of failure. I need to just get through this. Then I can get back to the beautiful friggin city, and then life I'm meant to have. :)

Stir-crazy

So I've been struggling lately with ideas of where my life is going. I know that I can't stay in Montana my whole life. That's not me. I can't stay here and Kalispell working for the rest of my life. What would I do? Who would I do it with? What about my creative endeavors? All that's here for me in Kalispell is my family and friends but I can't base my life off of them. I need to leave again. To where? I'm not sure. Of course I want to be back in the city, but I don't know if it's time to head back there yet. Perhaps Seattle or even LA. I don't know, but I'm feeling a bit stir-crazy lately. I can't live a boring life of getting up and going to the same normal job everyday. Do that for another 50+ years? SHUT UP. I have so much I need to do. So much I need to accomplish. And if making money is all that matters-and getting that money doing something I'm not really passionate about-then I'd rather but poor as hell doing something that challenges and excites me. Maybe I want a family-some day-but right now I'm not ready to settle down. I want to focus on me and my career. I want to focus completely on theatre and music and whatever else I want to do. I'm going to go to beauty school but after that I think I need to get out again. Go explore, see the world again. I'm scared to go off alone, but look how well it turned out last time. I have grown so much, and done so much that now my life is feeling stagnant again. I'm itching to change that.