Here's a little dose of passion

If there is one thing everyone knows about me, it's that I love theatre. The problem is, is right now I'm not involved in any type at all. I've spent the last 8 years doing some type, and I spent over $100,000 pursuing it in college. I moved to New York; I had a plan. And then everything got fucking turned upside down. I was not only forced to leave cthe city that I had fallen in love with, with no possibility of returning in the near-future, but I wasn't even sure if I'd be able to ever pursue an acting career. I didn't know at the time if I'd ever be able to see again, obviously, I have regained most of my eyesight, but I still struggle with it everyday. I've been depressed lately, and feeling sorry for myself. I hate SO MUCH what my life has become, but I'm trying SO HARD to fix that. Back in March, I got a job because I thought that would be a good first step to getting back on my feet, and it has. It has given me more confidence, and has made me less anxious to walk around in public and being around other people (I spent most of six months after the incident sitting at home as most of my friends didn't live in the area anymore nor could I drive myself places). Then I moved out of my parents house and in with some friends. Though I have my independence, this has mostly brought me frustration as I'm always struggling with money and I am unable to save any money up to get back out of this town. So I think my next step is actually to move back in with the padres in order to expedite my departure. And I've even done theatre since the accident, but I'm still unsure as to whether I'll actually be able to pursue my dream. Maybe it's just fear, or maybe it's illogical, but I could easily walk off the edge of the stage or trip backstage in the dark making me a liability. I can't have someone guiding me all of the time. So, I'm trying to figure out ways to make something good out of a bad situation, and why not do that with something I've wanted to do for several years now. That is, put up a production on our own. Just me and some of my super talented friends. The problem is, is that I guess I don't have the ability to inspire others. I love doing theatre and creating theatre and performing music more. than. anything. And I get really, really passionate about it. And I get emotional about it. When I cry, I don't cry because you might not agree with something or because I'm frustrated with you about something, it's because I love what I'm doing so much and all of these emotions come up and I get this crazy buzzing feeling in me and I'm shaking because I am so freaking passionate about what I'm talking about. It doesn't mean that I'm crazy or that I can't control my emotions, it means that I have very intense emotions and I'm showing them. For godsakes, I'm a fucking actor. I don't need nor do I want to suppress these emotions, I simply want to share my excitement with the world. I want everyone around me to be just as passionate, but I know that's not going to happen. I know that if I put together the right group of people, everything would go off without a hitch. I need to find those supportive passionate people, and it makes me frustrated that I can't find them. I need people who want to share their ideas and brainstorm and come up with really awesome things, because I don't always know the right way to go about things. I love collaborating. At least, I love collaborating with people who also love collaborating. Just because you don't get something you want doesn't mean you decide you're out. You're either in this or you're not. You can't make stipulations because you don't like something. We're supposed to be a team. A team that gives and takes and even if they don't agree, they support the decision because they made the commitment. Guys, listen, I'm the queen of bossy, but I know that I'm not always right and I know when to let others lead. I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses, that's why I wanted to create a collaborative project. Others have ways of looking at things differently than me, and I love that. I love listening to ideas and discussing them. I may not agree with you, and I will share that opinion, but I'm not the only one making the decision. If a majority wanted something that I didn't care for, I'd go with it and try to find away to get on board. I'd find something to connect myself with it, I would never be like "peace out. I don't like it so I'm not gonna do it." I'm not saying bend over and do what everyone else tells you to do, but you can't just give up on things because you didn't get your way. The key word is collaboration. Anyway, it seems that the only way I'm going to be able to get anything done is to 1) get the hell out of this town. Other people may be ok with being here doing whatever, but I'm so over it. I need to be around people who inspire me, not drag me down into a depression leaving me wishing I hadn't made it out of that hospital. Obviously, I don't believe that. I know I'm destined for something but this town and the people in it are REALLY GOOD at making you feel like you're a boring nobody and you're meant to stay a boring nobody. And that is why I hate being here. It's not because it's boring. It's not because I'm throwing a fit because I can't do what I planned. I know that's fucking life. But this town is so good at dragging a person's spirit down so that they never want to go out and try for anything that may be new or risky. You know what I say to that? You know what I say? FUCK YOU. I'm going to go out and make a god damn name for myself. I'm going to go do something with my life and do WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT. You may think it's crazy or unrealistic or whatever, but I'm worth it.