Love Thyself

One of the coolest/best things to come out of this whole ordeal is that I love myself. I used to be very self-conscious about everything. I wasn't talented enough, I wasn't smart enough, I wasn't pretty enough. I didn't believe in myself, though I was fairly good at faking confidence. More than once I sabotaged myself by telling myself I wasn't good enough to audition. I was afraid for people to hear me sing which made me nervous so it'd often come out as shaky. No matter how many people told me I was a good singer, all I could think about was how I wasn't good enough. Acting, I was a bit more secure in but I still constantly second guessed myself. But now I see. I see what I had been missing. I was so consumed with being perfect, I wasn't enjoying what I truly loved doing. That's why I loved doing Fefu so much. I became so comfortable with the girls that I didn't worry whether they were judging me or not. They heard me sing, they heard me rap (my Super Bass is pretty sick), they even saw me dance (a very rare occurrence)! I could be myself and they still loved me, something I had only attributed to my bestest friends before.
I don't know how but this thing made all that hate for myself fly away. I see how awesome I am. For example, last Friday I was sitting outside the hospital after getting my staples out and I was sitting in a wheel chair on the streets of NYC. I was bored so I started singing. Out loud. For everyone to hear. And I didn't care. I don't care who hears me sing now. I WANT everyone to hear, whereas before it took someone begging me to MAYBE get me to sing. But singing got me through a lot of rough moments in the hospital. One night, for example, I couldn't sleep (I actually didn't sleep for 3 nights) because my body felt like it was quaking so nothing was moving. It was a horrible, unsettling feeling so I sang Beatles songs because I knew my mom would like them. I didn't know all the words so half of it was hummed and when I didn't know the rest of the song, I'd just start singing another or return to Hey Jude-the only one I knew completely. I imagine if anyone was watching the moment, they'd probably be super creeped out.
Anyway. Singing kept my mind off of the awful feelings and still keeps me positive. My mom now can sing Call Me, Maybe thanks to it being my go- to song.
As for other things, like feeling smart, I just felt like I never had anything good to say so I kept my mouth shut a lot. Now I feel like I have an over abundance to say. Y'all will probably tell me to shut up. :) but that's why I have this blog.
As for loving the way I look, well. I don't want a boob job anymore. Ok. Maybe that's just because I want to avoid anesthesia at all costs. But the thing is I love myself no matter. What size I am. I had gotten to a point where I was comfortable with myself but I was always wishing for more. Now I get a little upset when other people are obsessed with the fact I lost 40lbs in the hospital. Cool I guess, but I love myself no matter my weight. I'm Bree no matter what. I dont want to weigh myself all the time. Thanks, but no thanks.
Plus on top of all that awesomeness that makes me, I'm pretty damn funny too. So there's that. Hahaha.
Usually people would look at a post like this where someone only talks about how much they love themselves and think that they're a giant d-bag but this is HUGE guys. Maybe I am a d-bag but I think I'm just a girl who finally discovered herself.
Oh God. That's cheesy.